Do I feel more comfortable amongst those of my own race? Do I feel more at ease amongst a certain age group or different financial classes? Could it be that it was instilled in me to worship those who were a lighter complexion than I? Growing up these were all factors that played a part in my reaction to others and life. My friend who had changed within seconds right before my eyes had lost her confidence because of her personal insecurities. Why are we intimidated by others or things? There are so many insecurities that we carry with us our entire lives. Why can't we acknowledge our demons and resolve these problems??
Being the eldest in a first generation family I learned to be tough. I used this toughness to block out my insecurities and fears. I was confident but it was a facade.
I remembered feeling inadequate compared to my American counterparts. I felt I had to dress, talk, and act the same. When I chose to cling to my Polynesian friends I turned into a bully and adapted the, "Don't mess with me!" attitude. When I was with my Spanish friends I became boy crazy and a party girl!! But, what I really wanted to be was the well off Palagi (Caucasian) girl. So, when amongst my Palagi friends I was preppy with name brand clothing while racking up my mothers credit card bills. How sad! I was stereotyping everyone and trying to please everyone. What was I looking for? Acceptance!!! But, what is my definition of acceptance and acceptance into what? An American ideal? Or was it acceptance into what my idea of America was? Along the way I failed to appreciate who I was individually, spiritually, culturally, and physically. I wanted an identity and I grasped onto others but I didn't listen to myself. As an adult I know better but I don't know it all. What I do know is that my confidence would have been genuine had I realized in my youth what my true worth was and is.
Confidence exudes from within and is easily read. My friends experience reminded me about the insecurities we all face. We must face our fears head on and push through. My confidence is a work in progress. As an adult I know that I am a proud Samoan woman who is capable of all things. We are all equal citizens of this mortal world. We all deserve to enjoy life and to be loved!!!
